"Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends." "No, I don't have a drinking problem except when I can't get a drink." "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." "I like to walk out of a restaurant with enough gas to open a Mobil station." "When he performs, it sounds as if the world has stopped at 2 AM." - Dinah Shore "I hate Disneyland. It primes our kids for Las Vegas." "If Michael Jackson wants to work for Pepsi, why doesn't he just get himself a suit and an office in their headquarters and be done with it?" "All hardware items must be admired for their sonic properties; pitchforks, egg beaters, crowbars, fireplace grates, shovels, anvils, rebars (the structural reinforcement rods used in poured concrete), trash cans - the list goes on and on and they're all waiting to be played."