"I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality." "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." "My consciousness is fine; it's my pay that needs raising." "Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn." "I love TV. It's not my fault if the tubes blow out when I laugh." "A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are."