"'Twas a woman drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her." "I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." When asked why he never drank water: "I'm afraid it will become habit-forming." When asked what he would like his epitaph to read: "on the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia" (When asked whether he liked children) "Ah yes...boiled or fried." (When "caught" reading a Bible) "Just looking for loopholes." "Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?" "I like, in an audience, the fellow who roars continuously at the troubles of the character I am portraying on the stage, but he probably has a mean streak in him and, if I needed ten dollars, he'd be the last person I'd call upon. I'd go first to the old lady and old gentleman back in Row S who keep wondering what there is to laugh at." "Horse sense is what a horse has which keeps it from betting on people." "What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?" "What fiend put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?" "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it." "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake." "Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." "What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe." "Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against." "Children should neither be seen nor heard from...ever again." (looking back on his life) "You know, I'd like to see how I would've made out without liquor." "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." "The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother." "Start every day with a smile, and get it over with." "I remember Shakespeare's words because he was a great writer. I can't remember Hollywood lines; just as I may well recall a wonderful meal at Delmonico's many years ago, but not the contents of the garbage pail last Tuesday at Joe's Fountain Grill." "Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn't like to own one." (on reading the Bible) I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots...but I found only a pack of wild lies. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. Marriage is better than leprosy, because it's easier to get rid of. More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. (About comedian Bert Williams) "He was the funniest man I ever saw, and the saddest man I ever knew." On Chaplin: "He's the best ballet dancer in the World." "Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago." "I gargle with whiskey several times a day, and I haven't had a cold in years." "The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart." "After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse." "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."