"Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money." "Williams is 'the Tasmanian devil of comedy'." - Entertainment Weekly "...And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, 'Hey, here's a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!'" "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." "Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are." "You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand." About Canada - "Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party." "Comedy is acting out optimism." "I'm looking at a group of heavily armed people here. I'm telling myself 'if you're not funny, it's a problem'" - to troops in Iraq "If you watch it backwards, it has a plot." - about Popeye "Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying 'I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award.' The other is 'You want fries with that?'" "A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. About comic lines written by Mark Shaiman being removed for innuendo (i.e. "Chip 'n Dale are both strippers") the week before for his presenting of Best Animated Film at the 77th Academy Awards: "For a while you get mad, then you get over it. They're afraid of saying Olive Oyl is anorexic. It tells you about the state of humor. It's strange to think: how afraid are you? We thought that they got the irony of it. I guess not." "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision- you either go all the way or forget it. Countering the complaint that the juiciest roles go to younger actors: "They (the roles) may not be financially enriching, but personally enriching? Yes. You are no longer under pressure. You don't have to prove yourself on some levels, but you do have to [creatively] push yourself." "I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people." [on his acting career]: "All the new people you meet, it's pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful." "God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at once." "Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string." I believe I could do dance on ice, or play in a musical of Freud's life called 'It's Your Mother' - or maybe one for the symbolists: 'Jung at Heart'. There's always the one about India: 'The Gandhi Man Can'.