On Milton Berle: "You know, Milton recently switched from comedy to drama. Unfortunately, it happened while he was still doing comedy." On Mae West: "Do you realize that she went through her life without once having a man say to her, 'You remind me of my mother'?" On Dean Martin: "Dean would eat hay if you dipped it in gin." On Johnny Carson: "He's an Episcopalian - that's an Off-Broadway Catholic." On Ed McMahon: "It's good we honor Ed, because I understand that next week, a group of Texas businessmen are going to buy him, tear him down, and put up a Ramada Inn." On Roy Rogers and Dale Evans: "The Lunt and Fontanne of the fertilizer set." "My voice never quite made it through puberty. It has been described as sounding like a handful of gravel thrown in a Mix-Master." "I didn't get along too well with horses. At the beginning, not too well; at the end, terrible. I always say that horses are hard in the middle and dangerous at both ends."