"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die." "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." "People will pay more to be entertained than educated." "If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners." "Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard." "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved." "The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars." "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill." "It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it -- big money -- is a fine-and-dandy side fact. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. I'm concerned about values -- moral, ethical, human values -- my own, other people's, the country's, the world's values. Having money now gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter." - December 1967 Playboy interview "Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there." - December 1967 Playboy interview On late-night television programs: "We're more effective than birth control pills." "I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time." - 1993 Washington Post interview "I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment." "I wanted the show to make the most of being the last area of television that the medium originally was supposed to be - live, immediate entertainment. I decided the best thing I could do was forget trying to do a lot of pre-planning. It all boiled down to just going out there and being my natural self and seeing what would happen." On the spontaneous nature of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson: "I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it. Like George Burns said, 'If it gets a laugh, it's funny.'" On the why The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson avoided controversial topics: "I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh." On his public persona: "I'm basically not a public person. It's like [Jackie Gleason] said, 'If you go out all the time to restaurants and so on, people say, "Oh, he's everywhere," and if you stay home and eat dinner, they say, "Oh, he's a recluse."'" On speculation that ne was anti-social: "I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself. I feel that is my right, and anybody who disagrees with that, that's his business. Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business." - Playboy Magazine interview (conducted by Alex Haley), December 1967. To frequent guest Joan Embery, of The San Diego Zoo, after the marmoset she had brought had climbed on Carson's head and urinated: "I'm glad you didn't bring a baby elephant." On the secrecy behind his nightly monologue: "It's always been a ritual with me. I don't show it to Freddie [executive producer Frederick De Cordova] or Ed [sidekick Ed McMahon] or anybody. If you don't show it to anybody, then you get fresh reactions." "I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over." - May 1991 "In Los Angeles, the big story is that Police Chief Daryl Gates announced his retirement. It'll be sometime next year. Why can't a guy just retire without making a big deal of it?" - July 1991 "If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."