"I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of day when I'm alone and I don't have to be on, performing." "Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass" "It's insane...I mean, Nicholson, Hoffman, Jackson, Kline - I don't see how I can lose." - Regarding his chances at 1997 Golden Globes "I've been dubbed the man most responsible for the dumbing of America, so obviously I don't put much stock into thoughts like (the theme of the 'dumbing down' of contemporary comedy). People love to laugh, and most people can find humor in just about anything, which is great. Trying to label or categorize comedy is ridiculous. I mean, if you laugh at a fart joke, does that make you a moron? I don't think so." "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." "That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down." "I'm charming, but I dip into the Prozac now and then." I don't believe in this fairy tale of staying together for ever. Ten years with somebody is enough. In ten years, you can give a lot of love. "I have no intention of giving up my Canadian heritage, and all those who loved and supported me. My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian." After recording a cover of 'I am the Walrus': "There! I did it! I defiled a timeless work of art! For my next trick, I will paint a clown face on the Mona Lisa while using the shroud of Turin as a dropcloth."