(when asked if Stu Hart is betting that Owen Hart would win the match) "He gave up betting after The Civil War." (Owen Hart running away from Stone Cold Steve Austin) "Looks like Owen has opened up a can of haul-ass!" "She wants me. I can read her like a book, but I prefer the Braille edition." "You know J.R., obviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions." "Andy Kaufman's mom wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and they were both satisfied!" "If the Japanese are so smart, why do they eat with sticks?" (about Road Dogg) "When he was in Desert Storm, he was getting shot at by both sides." (Stone Cold Steve Austin says he'll knock Vince McMahon's teeth out) "I don't think they are real anyway, but I don't think McMahon want's to lose them." (talking to Taka Michinoku about foreigners) "Statistics prooves that some where in Japan, a woman gives birth to a baby ever four seconds. Now I'm going to over there and find that woman and put a stop to it and we wouldn't have people like this coming into out country." (Jim Ross said that Lawler would be wrestling at a local event) "That's right, I'll be there. You know my only regret is that I can't sit out in the audience and watch me." "I'd like to see things from your point of view JR, but I'd have to get my head out of my rear end." "Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but they're next to them." (to Jim Ross) You have diarea in the mouth and constapation in the brain!" Terry Funk did a moonsault and his leg hit the security railng) "The only thing harder than Terry Funk's legs are his arteries." (commenting on the movie Congo) "I've seen better film on teeth." (to X-Pac) "If brains were chocolate, he still wouldn't fill an M&M!" (talking to Jim Ross getting ready for the bikini contest) "Should Viagra be taken now or, it takes a little while to kick in you know?" (Jim Ross says Lawler doesn't need it) "No, I'm talking about you, J.R." "Women! Can't live with 'em, no resale value." "Everytime I look at Luna's face, I think she should put the bag back on." "When Sunny was in school she wasn't very good in history, but she was great on dates!" "Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, be got baptized at Sea World" (Jim Ross implies that Sunny is too young for Lawler) "I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school." "Mark Henry just walked in front of me, I thought it was an eclipse." (A five year old girl cheering Shawn Michaels) "Look at her, now I know why animals eat their young." "Helen Hart is so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was sick." "Mae Young is so old, when David killed Goliath, she called the cops!" "Cheating is only cheating when you get caught." "This is bad! We should call the police. What's the number for the police around here again? 911-Donuts or something?" "Diesel is so stupid, he thought Hamburger Helper came with a person." (Tazz tells Lawler to say his wise cracks to his face) "Tell him to come down and I will tell him how short his is to his face. If I can bend down that far." (Sunny come to the ring with her chest showing) "I don't know what the 7 wonders of the world are, but I do know that Sunny has 2 of them!" "I'm not a racist like Bret Hart, I hate everyone equally!" "Is that Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose?" (about Ahmed Johnson) "He has the IQ of 2 and it takes 3 just to grunt." (about Mankind) "That guy is two fries short of a Happy Meal." "Paul Bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book!" "Paul Bearer is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull!" "This Bingo Hall (ECW Arena) should be built out of toilet paper because there's nothing in it but shit!" (about a ringside fan on camera) "He can pick up cable with those ears!" (about Sable, wearing an extremely revealing outfit) I've seen more cotton on the top of an asprin bottle!" "Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it was not for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade." (about Alundrea Blaze) "She has a million dollar body, but a ten cent face!" "Vince McMahon thinks Snoop Doggy Dog belongs to Charlie Brown." (after Vince McMahon said Road Dogg can sing as good as well as he can wrestle) "Then he won't win many matches!" "I'm not saying that Stu Hart is old, but I hear that Anna Nicole Smith is asking him out on a date." "I've heard of faces that could stop clocks, hers could stop all of Switzerland's!" "Hey Finkel, the last time I saw something like you, I flushed it!" "I saw this guy having a drink in the bathroom before. Then the seat fell down and hit him on the head." "A little sex on TV never hurt anyone...unless you fall off!" (to Vince Mcmahon) "You're so cheap, you wouldn't even tip a canoe!" (Jim Ross says he has two daughters) "Not packing enough chromosomes, huh? I'm sorry Ross!" (Jim Ross asks why Lawler keeps referring to these fans as idiots and morons) "We gave them an IQ test and the results came back negative." (about Debra McMichael) "If her skirt were any shorter, it'd be a collar." (Jim Ross said his view of Vince McMahon firing Stone Cold Steve Austin) "Well, get your head out of your butt and you'd have a different view!" "What do Jake 'The Snake' Roberts and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!" "Look at Paul Bearer. Looks like somebody dropped an ugly bomb on him." "Jake 'The Snake's' two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack Daniels." (to Macho Man Randy Savage) "Nice outfit, did the bag lady give that to you?" "Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade?" (to Mick Foley) "Hey Mick, where'd you get your haircut? I want to make sure I don't go there by mistake!" "If Mae Young is going to breast feed, all that baby's going to get is evaporated milk." (about Mae Young) "Her wrinkles have wrinkles." "Prince Albert respects the Big Boss Man so much he'd give him the hair off his back." "When God said 'Let there be light', Mae Young threw the switch." (about the Fabulous Moolah) "She was a waitress at the last supper." (about the Blue Meanie) "He's the reason for separate beds." "Women should be ob-scene and not heard." (about Mark Henry) "Look at the lips on that guy, he could french kiss a moose." (to Michael Cole) "She's not your type. She's not inflatable." "She's had more hands on her than a doorknob." "I couldn't warm up to Andy Kaufman if we were cremated together." (about Goldust) "He's twisted, perverted... he's sick. Normally, I like that in a person, but..." "The only reason I lost to Aldo Montoya was the intoxicating fumes there were coming off his body from being around Jake Roberts." (about the Legion of Doom) "The older they get, the better they were." "The only reason why Taka Michinoku is here in this country is because there are too many people in Japan." (about Crash Holly) "Crash is so short, you can see his feet on his driver's licence photo!" "There goes Matt Hardy! Go Matt! ...Oh wait a minute, I'm rooting for the Dudleys...somebody stop Matt!" "You know what they call a good looking girl in Philadelphia...a tourist." "You know what they say in Arkansas...manure happens." (Gold medalist Kurt Angle asked the Canadian wrestler Chris Benoit if he's such a good wrestler, where are his gold medals?) "Canada never wins any medals!" (talking to Michael Cole) "Your proctologist called, he said he found your head." (When asked if he was an "ass man"): "Well I must be, because everywhere I go people say, 'you're an ass, man!'" "When most people get drunk, they see snakes. But, when snakes get drunk, they see Jake Roberts!" (Referring to Stacy Keibler dancing on the commentators's desk) "All these curves, and no brakes!" (After losing the "Kiss My Foot Match" to Bret Hart at the 1995 King of the Ring) "Bret Hart, I have to admit it, your feet are the smelliest there is, the smelliest there was, and the smelliest there ever will be!" "I don't think Victoria has been right since that house fell on her sister (referring to 'The Wizard of Oz').