"A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain -- and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men." (From _"Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The" (1992)_ , April 25, 1995) During the infamous O.J. Simpson murder trial: "Actor wannabe Kato Kaelin is very excited about this trial. It's the first call-back he's had in two years. 'Oh, a part! A part! I got another part!'" "In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'" "A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40." "They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on Jeopardy! and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one." "Looks like Darva 'Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?' Conger will pose naked in 'Playboy' Magazine. She says the photos will be tastefully done. And who else knows more about taste than a woman who marries a man she just met on Fox?" (From The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, May 8, 2000) "I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those...it's called a window." (From The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, February 14, 2001) "President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous." (From The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, March 9, 2001) "In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don't translate to French either: military victory, deodorant..." (From The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, May 4, 2001) "Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay." (From The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, June 4, 2001) "The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." "It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead." "You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you." "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak." "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." [On the steering for his jet-powered motorcycle] "It's kinda like square-dancing with a fat lady: the fact that she does it at all is pretty amazing." [On the now-defunct XFL] "Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name." "I see that Mike Tyson has just filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It marks the first time that Mike Tyson has made it to Chapter 11 in anything." "You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh...it's as simple as that." Woman's World (7-4-06)