"Standards have gone to an all-time low and I'm here to represent them." - April 1, 1998 upon announcing his new Saturday night late show on CBS. "I always resented the label of 'shock jock' that the press came up with for me. Because I never intentionally set out to shock anybody." "Writing a book just might be the hardest thing I've ever done, besides trying to get laid in college." "This country has too many freedoms." (January 2002) "I've always thought that a name says a lot about a person. So naturally, being named Howard, I always wanted to crawl into a hole." On the movie "Forrest Gump" (1994): "I just wish for once Hollywood would make a realistic movie about retarded people, where a retarded guy leaves his house, people stare at him for a while and then lock him up." "I like music that makes me want to kill myself." [On his sex life in high school] "Our rap was that if girls could only look beyond the fact that we didn't have great looks and see that we have great personalities, they would fall in love with us. The truth of the matter was we had really bad personalities in addition to our ugly faces. Even the losers called us losers. And we were."