"Take my wife ... please!" "I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife." "I've been married for 34 years, and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me." "My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him." "I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can." "I was so ugly when I was born that the doctor slapped my mother." "I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays." "How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'" "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." "You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." "I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller."