"Remember, men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did." Duck Soup "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." [When told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews] "My son is half-Jewish; can he wade in up to his knees?" "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." "Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?" "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." "What do you say the three of us get married: You girls have everything, you're short and tall, and slim and stout, and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of girl I crave!" "While shooting elephants in Africa, I found the tusks very difficult to remove. But in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa..." "I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers' organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded." "Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. 'That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar, ' the conductor told her. 'And another one is in the washroom shaving.' Minnie shook her head sadly. 'They grow so fast.'" "You're only as young as the woman you feel." "If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower." "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home." "Military intelligence is a contridiction in terms." "It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms." "I drink to make other people interesting." "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." "There's one way to find out if a man is honest: Ask him; if he says 'yes,' you know he is crooked." "Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife." "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." "Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others." "My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one." "From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." "Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does." "In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people." "The only game I like to play is Old Maid...provided she's not TOO old." "A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it." On how it felt to be an elder statesman of comedy, c. late-1960's: "[I feel] like an old jerk." "When I heard about [the Broadway play] "Hair", I was kind of curious about the six naked primates on stage. So I called up the box office and they said tickets were $11 apiece. That's an awful price to pay. I went into the bathroom at home and took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror for five minutes. And I said, 'This isn't worth $11'." "People are most likely to listen to reason when in bed." "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music." "Quote me as saying I was misquoted." "Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?" [asked in 1975 if he'd seen any recent movies] "I saw Jaws. But I think it would have been funnier if a guppy had swallowed the boat instead of a shark." "One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife." "I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book." "She got her good looks from her father--he's a plastic surgeon." "Wives are people who feel that they don't dance enough." "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open." [After viewing Samson and Delilah starring Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature] Well, there's just one problem. No picture can hold my interest where the leading man's tits are bigger than the leading lady's. "Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."