"Someday we'll all have hats." "In a country full of idiots, we got Ross Perot who is a political idiot." "A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it." "In football, you wear a helmet. In baseball, you wear a cap." "Life is a zero sum game." "I wanna live, I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade." "On election day, I will be esentially doing the same thing you folks are doing, except that when I'm finished masturbating I'm gonna have a little more to show for it." "Most people are not particulary good at anything." "If there is a god, may he strike me dead." "I used to be Irish Catholic now I'm an American, you know you grow." "Don't get run over." "religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but he loves you. And he needs money." "People like it when you're topical." "If acting was hard for me, I wouldn't do it, it is something that I like to do." "If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire." "If we don't like something in this country, we declare war on it; we don't do anything about it, we just declare war on it." "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." "When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve." "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." "I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' to it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think." "Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer." "Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell." "If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else." "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." "We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus -- is "bogosity" a word? It should be -- a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit."" [March 1997] "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." [appearing on A&E Biography] "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood." Who says life is sacred? God? Hey, if you read your history, God is one of the leading causes of death. "What was the best thing before sliced bread?" "I'm not afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of falling from them." "To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it." "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?" "Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong." "Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right."