"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years." "I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, 'Help! Help! Help!' so I said, 'Help? Help? Help?' And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned." "Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works." "Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left." On appearance: "Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles." "I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school." "You know, lots of times people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we didn't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy you start fighting: and when you start fighting you're out of business." "Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh." On his age: "I get a standing ovation just standing." "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere." "In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life." On gravity: "Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up." "I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age." "Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives." "A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night." "If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again." "I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke." "I don't believe in dying... It's been done." "There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone." "I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money." [Commenting on winning the Oscar at age 80] "It couldn't have happened to an older guy." [At 87 years old]"I was brought up to respect my elders and now I don't have to respect ANYBODY." [On adultery] "If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl." "Happiness is: A good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand." [Interviewed in his old age about sex scenes] "What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen". "I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate." "At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup." [Discussing his role in Going in Style] "I had to learn how to act old." [When asked how he got the title role in Oh, God!] "I was the closest to Him in age." "The most important thing to succeed in show business is sincerity. And if you can fake that, you've got it made." If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made, because very few people die past the age of a hundred. [During Dean Martin's roast for Frank Sinatra] "We singers aren't worried about getting laughs . . . see, nobody's laughing, and I'm not worried."