"When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers." "America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school." "Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer." You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like "Home Improvement"? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It's your life; live it on your terms. These liberals are telling me that I should take it easy on the terrorists. They said that our founding fathers would have gone easier on them. They were, after all, for civil liberties. Let me ask you a question: Do you really think that our founding fathers would have put up with any of this shit? I mean, our founding fathers blew peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their morning beverage! On filmmaker Michael Moore during a 2003 episode of The Tonight Show: "He's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name, okay? Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong." "The only way we were going to get the French to go into Iraq was to tell them we thought there were truffles in there." Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours. I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed. "Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince." "I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz."