"If people want to think I get drunk and stay out all night, let 'em. That's how I got here, you know." "I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant." To those who felt he joked his way through songs during concert and nightclub appearences: "You wanna hear it straight, buy the album." Upon filing for divorce from his second wife: "I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman." "I drink because my body craves, needs alcohol. I don't drink, my body's a drunk." On Joey Bishop: Most people think of Joey Bishop as just a replacement for Johnny Carson. That's NOT true. We in show business know better: we don't think of him at ALL. On Phyllis Diller: Phyllis is the women of about whom Picasso once said, "Somebody throw a drop cloth over that." On Frank Sinatra: In high school, Frank never participated in extra-curricular activities, like nature study, paintings or ceramics. Frank's hobby was a most interesting one: he was an amateur gynecologist. On James Stewart: There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does. On Orson Welles: What can you say about Orson Welles that Don Rickles hasn't already said about him?! On Bob Hope: As a young boy, Bob didn't have much to say. He couldn't afford writers then. On Don Rickles: Don's idea of a fun evening is to show home movies of the attack on Pearl Harbor...with a laugh track. On Johnny Carson: Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen every night in millions of bedrooms all over America...and that's why his last wife left him. On Milton Berle: Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent. On his tee-total friend Pat Boone: "I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!" "I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day." "I can't stand an actor or actress who tells me acting is hard work. It's easy work. Anyone who says it isn't never had to stand on his feet all day dealing blackjack." "Motivation is a lotta crap."