"I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock." "Anything worth doing is worth overdoing." "In Hollywood, Oscar is king." "There is no off position on the genius switch." "You know, they don't give these shows to chimps!" "Show me Squid!" "We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo." "Dave is one of the few performers who can say something real vicious and have it come across as a cute aside." - Jay Leno "Each and every Thursday night, we like to go out in the audience of the Ed Sullivan Theater to play America's Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation, Know Your Current Events". "If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover." "I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been." "I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!" "The weather so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!" "There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth, who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage." On his move to the Westinghouse-owned CBS television network: "I now have a lifetime's supply of lightbulbs." On being called a non-voting Republican: "I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American." "If it weren't for Johnny (Carson), I'd have no career." "The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong." "It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing." On being a dad for the first time at 56: "By the time the child has trouble in life, you know, I'll be dead. I'll be long gone. By the time the kid's out stealing cars, you know, Dad will be dead a few years." On his close friend Jay Leno in 1986: "'Jay's a master at getting the audience on his side. He's able to communicate the idea that 'Shouldn't we, as a group, think this is absurd?' You immediately feel like he's your ally". (on his first show after the September 11th terrorist attacks) "It's said they were motivated by religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?" "I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for." - about the type of guests he likes