[on being told he was being awarded an honorary knighthood] "What an honor and what a surprise for a boy born in England, raised in Cleveland and schooled in vaudeville." "Golf is my real profession - show business pays my green fees." "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake". [On his 100th birthday] "I'm so old, they've canceled my blood type." [at the height of the Cold War] "We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back." When asked by his wife where he wanted to be buried: "Surprise me". "I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." "Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be 'There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!'" "Welcome to the Academy Awards -- or as it's known at my house, Passover." "Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones" [In reference to the Academy Awards] "I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is." [At the Academy Awards] "We're all here to celebrate Oscar -- or as he's known at my house, The Fugitive!" "Welcome to 'You Bet Your Career'." [In reference to the Academy Awards] "They've all got their Oscars. But are they happy?" [At the 50th Anniversary Academy Awards and in reference to the Oscar Winners Tribute Sequence] "Remember me? The Macaulay Culkin of 1927." (1991) [At the Academy Awards] "To all you losers, remember there's a bright side to all of this: you can still run for Governor" "I remember when they handed out the Oscars in 1927; I was Home Alone too!" [In reference to Macaulay Culkin] "Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering." "I love Oscar, that little bald head. I didn't know Sinéad O'Connor had children!" [In reference to the Academy Awards] "It's wonderful to be here in person. I couldn't be here in spirit, so I'm here in person." "Remember you kids, always pay to get into the movies; the Japanese need the money." (1991) "That kid's getting five million dollars for his next picture, for this so we need child labour laws?" [in reference to Macaulay Culkin] "They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it." "People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy." On Vincent Price: "He always loved a good joke. Moreover, he was kind enough to laugh at jokes that weren't so good." "If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble." (Referring to both the film release of "Mommie Dearest," the biography of Joan Crawford written by her daughter Christina, and the equally scathing book about Bette Davis, which was written by Davis' daughter): "Now I know why tigers eat their young."