"Life is like sex, baby--the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story." "I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them." [On why he was not a guest on Late Night with David Letterman] "Because I don't talk about socks in the laundry. I don't talk about Wonder Bread . . . I talk about life, and that pisses some people off." "People are taking the act too seriously. The [Diceman] character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh."